Imperfection By Lisa Gilmore

I’ve been reading Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection.  My favorite line from it so far  “As a recovering perfectionist and aspiring good-enoughist…” describes myself very well.  She clarifies the difference between healthy striving to be our best and perfectionism.  Perfectionism is actually armor we choose for protection and a mask we choose to hide behind.  The book gives great tools and help for overcoming perfection, so if you’re interested in that, please invest in her book.  Now for part of my journey with this.

I wouldn’t say my perfectionism was all-consuming in my life.  My home has never been perfectly organized and clean.  My meals are usually slapped together and casually presented.  My hair is usually pulled back into the easiest, most comfy, practical ponytail.  So why do I think I have struggled with perfectionism?  Straight A’s since the 3rd grade.  Voted “most likely to succeed” as a senior.  Dutifully signing up for every service opportunity that came my way.  Those are all fine and dandy, so….

How I know that these were laced with the drug of perfectionism is because of my feelings.  Despite all of these good things, I felt misery.  I was never really happy with myself or my situation.  

Another semester of all A’s:  “Who cares, there’s another one coming to prepare for and a GRE to study for.”

Voted most likely to succeed:  ”So what, now the real work begins.”

Serving/volunteering at every chance:  no conscious thoughts about this one.  Just a pattern for me to be “good” and distract myself from caring for and loving myself.

I began to notice my perfectionism patterns after reading another of Brown’s books called Daring Greatly because of the level of shame she helped me identify in my life.  So it’s been a journey since then.  I noticed myself apologizing for the state of my house if someone popped by.  I found myself apologizing to the family about the meals I made.  I discovered that it felt excruciatingly hard to say “no” to anyone.

When I recognized those patterns in my life I decided to outwardly change them.  I committed to myself that I would never apologize about those things again.  If someone doesn’t like my housekeeping, they don’t need to come over or they can do it themselves.  If I burn dinner or make a simple one-pot meal I might say:  “Oops.  I burned dinner.  If you don’t want to eat it that’s fine.” Or “Dinner is simple tonight.”  It was so easy for me to start or finish those sentences with “Sorry”, but why feel sorry when I did my best?  The “sorry” was really a declaration of shame.  What I learned to do is separate my failings from my self-esteem/self-worth.

Making those changes has improved my life significantly. Now I tend to sit awhile on decisions to help someone, and decide if it’s something that resonates with my mission/purpose/passion at the time.  Is there anyone else more qualified to help?  Can I give myself fully and joyfully to this situation?  Is the need real or pretended, exaggerated or inflated?  

After a year of improvement, it was time to level up again.  This time by way of a trigger.  I took on the role of “team mom” of my 6th grade daughter’s basketball team.  I was mostly there to encourage and provide bandaids; that fit my nature and desire to be helpful.  But one day the head and assistant coaches didn’t make it to practice.  I was in charge. I’ve never played basketball!  I was so angry after that pre-game practice!  When I dove deeper–past the blame game–I discovered the underlying belief of “not good enough.”  Just as a tip, they say if you’re angry, it’s a cover emotion for something much deeper and not necessarily about the person you’re angry at; it’s all about you.

As a LifeLine practitioner, my way of dealing with such things is to run a session with myself. The intention I chose:  “I am enough; feeling successful and confident.”  I was able to drop the judgment, fear, and anger I was experiencing and back to a place of loving what is.  For me, a miracle happened that I totally wasn’t expecting.  Our team won 3 games in a row, when they hadn’t won a game yet.  Granted, there were lots of variables to create that, but what if my hidden limiting emotion of “not good enough’ emanated from me, contributing to the previous losing season.  What if my shift to “I am good enough” radiates outward to my family and friends?  That would be amazing.  But the shift within me is enough.  

I’ve now added to my mantra “feeling fulfilled” as I’ve needed to do another round with this one.  I now feel the added weight of the perfection armor lightening and the mask lowering and enjoying the process.

Keep shining bright!

I’m here for you if you need support.

lifelinewithlisa@gmail.com